Where does one draw the line between grief, self destruction and good ole’ self pity?

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Forgetting what is behind, I staring forward, pressing on towards the goal.

(Phillipians 3:12-16)

WOW.

That’s amazing. It contradicts the soppy mentality the world tells us we should take, to rue and regret our losses, and that our current circumstances define what what our expectations about ourselves and life should be like. I used to believe there would be a point in time where I was so comfortable with life, and I would be confidently able to succeed at everything I did. I would counted myself extremely blessed with success beyond regress. So much for that.

Several months ago, I started really struggling with life in general in the areas of work, influence, finances, family and friends and a couple of months ago, and I began to wonder if there was something wrong I did, which triggered all the ‘unfavour’. I began to wonder what I could start doing to work my way back into “God’s will”, if I missed the boat which was meant to heroically whisk me off into the glorious, epic sunset, and was now stranded on the dock calling out helplessly for my ship, hoping that someone could bring me there.

Instead of manic disco victory anthems pounding in the background day after day I was left alone and cold in the background of an awkward scene in a foreign land, where all the hotels were closed and the movie had abandoned me fifty frames ago.

“I’ve missed the boat. That’s all. I should go home now.”

I began to feel that feeling. That sudden moment of horrible, certain clarity that strikes you when you know you are well and truly lost and have no hope of return. That the ship has gone for good. I sank into depression.

A couple of weeks ago, I began to started to mooch less; I heard a word that “True humility isn’t about beating ourselves up and lowering ourselves down. True humility happens when we realise that Christ is sufficient for us and therefore we must humble ourselves, accept His complete forgiveness and get back up again.”

I decided that enough was enough, and no matter how much I was going to succeed I was going to try. I decided to stop blaming myself and dreaming about what I could have done, and if should start trying to do those things I should have done before now.

You know, maybe I was right. Or maybe, my Savior was always just there around the corner, waiting for me to come up my senses. Maybe in my moment of abandonment, He wanted me to learn to come to my senses, walk around the corner to find not just my ticket or ride, but that He’s there, and He’s going to walk with me beside me all the way till we get there. Maybe I’ve been so held captive at the pier watching and waiting for the ship to turn course, come around and get me that I haven’t been able to leave that one spot I was grounded to for eternity.

Forgetting what is behind, I strain forward, pressing on towards the goal.

And so I forget. I forgive myself, acknowledging that I have fallen short and that perhaps I don’t have it all together yet. Believing that maybe everything I hoped for is absolutely worthless in comparison being with Christ and knowing him more day by day. That it is good and right to want to be more like Him, obtain the full knowledge of Him, and live in the experience of His incredible power. That the best days are not just ahead but are right now, because right now He is with me and He’s just waiting for me turn around that corner and find Him there beaming.

Maybe somehow I did miss the ship, and I’m missing a major cruise ship party extravaganza but so what. I decided that it was time to start to forget, to humble myself that it is OK to forget, and it is OK to believe. That my best days are ahead and not behind, that He already has given me hope and a future.

Dance with me, O lover of my soul, to the song of all songs

Thank you Lord that everything is OK, that today was a Good Day. That I can praise you, that I can always look to you for forgiveness, love and understanding. That you treasure me. That one day I’ll stand before you, fall in your arms and you’ll take me away to where the echoes and strains of music cascade through the sky, death is defeated and we walk by light so pure it silences the world around it, leading us onward towards eternity.

In my dream, I was was on holiday somewhere, celebrating overseas with friends, three of us. We all had our own rooms, but for one night we were just hanging out in one of the rooms together. Words were exchanged over some small matter, and I punched that friend so hard I killed him, and then the investigation started soon after (yes, it was a very long dream). Criminal investigators were on the scene, and people were being interviewed, samples were being taken in hopes of finding the killer (that would be me). The other friend who was present did her best to cover it all up, but throughout the entire ordeal (walking around, meeting friends, the guy’s family, etc.) I felt absolutely terrible. I felt that I shold just have owned up, but was too scared to do so. In my mind I was thinking , “How long will they jail me for murder? Would it count as manslaughter? What’s going to happen next?” and the overriding emotion about the whole matter was guilt.

My next thoughts were “I can’t believe this is happening. This feels too real. I can’t believe this is happening. I wish this was just a bad dream that I could wake up from.”

I can’t believe that it felt so real I couldn’t distinguish it from reality. Hasn’t happened in a long time.

During the closure of the dream, I was talking to the investigators themselves, and they asked, “We have one question to ask you; why do you look so sad? You seem the saddest out of everyone we know, were you guys like really close?”

My reply was “It’s just really tragic.”

Then I woke up. Thank God. The next words I think were from Him.

“Do you think I would have still loved you?”

“Yes.”

I think He’s trying to teach me something about forgiveness. I pray I’ll never have to learn it that way again.

Christ took on the likeness and form of a creature of sin, man. When Adam submitted himself to and took participation with satan in the garden of eden, he participated in sin with the devil; taking on the devil’s likeness and his nature. And from then onwards, the corrupting nature of sin became part of our human make up.

Then comes Christ. Bearing the image and likeness of man, being fully subject to the fallacies of mankind and accordingly the temptations that ensue. For all intentions and purposes, Christ was fully human; but also fully God.

He came as one of us; subject to sin and temptation. He walked, ate and smelled like one of us; born of sin and destined to die. Human. However, despite being born a ‘serpent’, instead taking on the nature of a serpent, he was not overcome and instead overcome sin, the world and everything in it, was exalted up, having the likeness of sin but had overcome sin, the fruit of sin which is death and became our salvation. The very sight of Him gives salvation. In taking on the nature of a created human, he was able to crucify sin in himself, and trampling the power of death and crushing satan’s head now and forever more. King of the Jews, our Immanuel, Messiah and King, great and mighty to save.

The ransom for a life is costly,

no payment is ever enough

Psalm 49:8

It seems to be vanity to hope that we can in some way contribute to Christ’s payment on the cross for our death, destruction and eternal separation from God. Still, there is a yearning to know God’s punishment, for  us to feel justified in some way. Even the Psalmist says “In your faithfulness you have afflicted me.” I guess it’s the attitude we take. We don’t take pride in our affliction, or justification in our discipline; we should realise what fools we are, how stubborn and how insufferably arrogant we are to take Christ’s love for granted and humble ourselves, contrite our hearts and repent. And be ashamedly humbled by the love and mercy of a God who cares for us, dresses our wounds and washes our sins away.

Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the LORD, “Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool.

Isaiah 1: 18

[2]
When storms of sorrow toss my soul; when waves of care around me roll;
When comforts sink, when joys shall flee; when hopeless griefs shall gape for me:
One word the tempest’s rage shall quell; that word, Thy name — IMMANUEL.

[3]
When for the truth I suffer shame; when foes pour scandal on my name;
When cruel taunts and jeers abound, when “Bulls of Bashan” gird me round;
Secure within Thy power I’ll dwell; that tower, Thy grace — IMMANUEL.

[4]
When hell, enraged, lifts up her roar; when Satan stops my path before;
When fiends rejoice, and wait my end; when legioned hosts their arrows send.
Feat not, my soul, but hurl at hell, Thy battle-cry — IMMANUEL.

[5]
When down the hill of life I go; when o’er my feet death’s waters flow;
When in the deepening flood I sink; when friends stand weeping on the brink;
I’ll mingle with my last farewell Thy lovely name — IMMANUEL.

[6]
When tears are banished from mine eye; when fairer worlds than these are nigh;
When heaven shall fill my ravished sight; when I shall bathe in sweet delight:
One joy all joys shall far excel — to see Thy face, IMMANUEL.

Charles Spurgeon

Design is about turning dreams into reality, creating hope and life in form.

Design starts with a vision.

God let me start with a good one.

The world aches and groans under the weight of great suffering, how longer will the rest of us continue living our lives pretending nothing is happening? I wonder. How much longer will we stay where we are, in the face of such challenges and immense suffering that we are only beginning to encounter? We sit at home, listening to our stereos, blogging about all the disaster and writing our obituaries to unknown strangers. Giving out of our convenience, if at all.

How many people have cried out to our Almighty God to save, the one who is willing and able to save, yet has not. It still breaks my mind, my heart and does violence to my theology. We talk about the God who is our Shalom, our riches and our Salvation, our refuge in a time of storm; who loves us more than His very life. How many promises can you claim when your legs are crushed, struggling to swallow from the thirst which traps your very air within the stickiness of your throat? I’ve heard a phrase someone quip,

“Life isn’t fair. Just fairer than death.”

A friend’s child passed away yesterday, and her life was nearly lost too. Oh God, be near. I believe in a good good God, one who would lay down his very life for us, who commends his angels regarding us; who would not even let our heels strike a rock.

I believe that the Gospel, and God’s salvation is not powerless and only comes into effect past the point of mortal death, and that we are not bereft of all other benefit on this side of existence. I refuse believe that the Gospel is a human argument, a product with which we merely retrieve from time to time to clear our own conscience with.

I will not ashamed of the Gospel because it is the power of God, alive and effective in this present day and age. I still believe in the Kingdom of God which and will grow in power and advance forcefully until the age that is to come. Oh God, pour out your power and Spirit upon the Sons of Man in these last days. Do not let us face the world that is slowly crumbling into destruction with the emptiness of human wisdom, but fill us with Spirit and with your power. Oh Father, great in power and mighty to save.

Let me see your goodness and your unmistakable and majesty in this land of the living. Do not let us contently sit here, watching silent and breathless as this world slide away; under this tremendous landslide that tears the land asunder, violently lurching and crushing all in its path. Fill your children with Your Spirit, break our hearts as you break this land. Strengthen us, our Lord, and our God.

O God, do not let my love grow cold.

I would have lost heart, if I did not believe that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. O God be near.