Reflections//Forgotten

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Forgetting what is behind, I staring forward, pressing on towards the goal.

(Phillipians 3:12-16)

WOW.

That’s amazing. It contradicts the soppy mentality the world tells us we should take, to rue and regret our losses, and that our current circumstances define what what our expectations about ourselves and life should be like. I used to believe there would be a point in time where I was so comfortable with life, and I would be confidently able to succeed at everything I did. I would counted myself extremely blessed with success beyond regress. So much for that.

Several months ago, I started really struggling with life in general in the areas of work, influence, finances, family and friends and a couple of months ago, and I began to wonder if there was something wrong I did, which triggered all the ‘unfavour’. I began to wonder what I could start doing to work my way back into “God’s will”, if I missed the boat which was meant to heroically whisk me off into the glorious, epic sunset, and was now stranded on the dock calling out helplessly for my ship, hoping that someone could bring me there.

Instead of manic disco victory anthems pounding in the background day after day I was left alone and cold in the background of an awkward scene in a foreign land, where all the hotels were closed and the movie had abandoned me fifty frames ago.

“I’ve missed the boat. That’s all. I should go home now.”

I began to feel that feeling. That sudden moment of horrible, certain clarity that strikes you when you know you are well and truly lost and have no hope of return. That the ship has gone for good. I sank into depression.

A couple of weeks ago, I began to started to mooch less; I heard a word that “True humility isn’t about beating ourselves up and lowering ourselves down. True humility happens when we realise that Christ is sufficient for us and therefore we must humble ourselves, accept His complete forgiveness and get back up again.”

I decided that enough was enough, and no matter how much I was going to succeed I was going to try. I decided to stop blaming myself and dreaming about what I could have done, and if should start trying to do those things I should have done before now.

You know, maybe I was right. Or maybe, my Savior was always just there around the corner, waiting for me to come up my senses. Maybe in my moment of abandonment, He wanted me to learn to come to my senses, walk around the corner to find not just my ticket or ride, but that He’s there, and He’s going to walk with me beside me all the way till we get there. Maybe I’ve been so held captive at the pier watching and waiting for the ship to turn course, come around and get me that I haven’t been able to leave that one spot I was grounded to for eternity.

Forgetting what is behind, I strain forward, pressing on towards the goal.

And so I forget. I forgive myself, acknowledging that I have fallen short and that perhaps I don’t have it all together yet. Believing that maybe everything I hoped for is absolutely worthless in comparison being with Christ and knowing him more day by day. That it is good and right to want to be more like Him, obtain the full knowledge of Him, and live in the experience of His incredible power. That the best days are not just ahead but are right now, because right now He is with me and He’s just waiting for me turn around that corner and find Him there beaming.

Maybe somehow I did miss the ship, and I’m missing a major cruise ship party extravaganza but so what. I decided that it was time to start to forget, to humble myself that it is OK to forget, and it is OK to believe. That my best days are ahead and not behind, that He already has given me hope and a future.

Dance with me, O lover of my soul, to the song of all songs

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